When does destruction equal creation?
When is it necessary to destroy something to pave the way for something new?
And does that change when it’s regarding relationships, be it romantic or friends?

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Food becomes spoiled, and can be used to turn into compost, which helps new plants to grow. Similarly to when the Native Americans would burn land, it would not only prevent forest fires from spreading, but burnt land can not only make way for more area to plant new things, but return minerals to the earth.
People who know how to do this, do it from experience, or from the knowledge passed down by others.

But when there’s no one around with experience, or the knowledge; passed down or not, who has the responsibility to do it?

Do you just do it and hope for the best?
Or do you wait until it’s apparent you need to act, by then it also may be too late?

Doing it too hastily, or without the proper know-how, could result in unnecessary destruction, or irreparable damage.

But if you do it immediately, and it pays off… well, it pays off, doesn’t it? You get your pat on the back and a “Well done! Good job!” and some pretty good recognition for both your quick-thinking and apparent knack for something you know fuck-all about. “You’ve saved this state of America by burning this particular part of the land, making it so that when there is a forest fire, it won’t be able to spread to the next area. Not only that, but you’ve opened up a new area of land for us to farm, and the burnt area has released a whole-lot more minerals back into the soil!”
I’m not actually aware if the whole mineral thing is accurate, I know this information by word of mouth or fragmented memory of previous research, but it serves my analogy well.

That’s only if you do the correct thing by acting immediately despite your lack of knowledge. So, say you chicken-out and do nothing. Completely fair, right? You know absolutely nothing about preventing forest fires, or at least you’ve not been taught specifically, or you’re not part of the ‘Anti-Forest Fire Crew’ whose responsibility it is to do this.
And, you leave it. Let it go, it’s definitely not your responsibility at all. It’s the Team’s responsibility. Have they seen this issue? Do they have suspicions that this issue is indeed an issue? Do they not suspect it at all? Not your issue, it’s theirs. After all, your concerns are unimportant and unprofessional, you’re untrained, and you know nothing about the job, that is why you are not on the Team. What do you know? Why should they even listen to you?

The fire starts later, when you are out of the picture, and it spreads. The Team who knows nothing about this area, where the fire will spread, will only know about this until it’s too late. The entire forest will be set ablaze before they know, and by the time they act upon it, they’ll be doing recovery measures, not preventative or defensive measures.

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So what happens when it’s human relationships?

You have a friend who is the equivalent of this fire, or risk of spread, that needs pruning.

This friend, you’ve been friends with for at least a year or thereabouts, and you’ve been through ups and downs with them. There’s been changes in behaviour due to real-life and online struggles, both to do with relationships, both real and fictional. From this point, this person has become more and more obsessive or pointing out other people’s flaws, weaknesses and downfalls; further pushing them down by heightening their progress, successes, and general good feelings.

At first, this change in attitude is not alarming, you either lack the experience or fail to see the underlying side effects of this new behaviour. This person seems ambitious, and it’s empowering, at times it seems a little too much, but you can attribute it to a healthy overdose of just how badly this person wants to succeed; you root for them.

The nature of humans, is to gossip, and despite it having bad routes, not all gossip is bad or harmful. It can, however, be an indicator when things are getting bad if we look at quality, quantity, and frequency.
The smell of smoke in the forest is not a common smell, but that doesn’t always mean that it’s danger. Depending on smell, location, and intensity of smell and sight of smoke; it could be nothing but a campfire been made to cook some food.
The same can be said for gossip, sometimes it’s just food for thought, a probing question, a warning about a specific person that would do well to be heeded, or just something of general interest. This healthy gossip is usually centralised in a specific area that the receiver has interest in, or around a person of note, interest or can prove a danger to the listener.

When the gossip starts to become about everyone and everything, it should start to become a little more concerning, especially if everything is negative. “Hey, I caught this guy getting into trouble for this, guys, look, look, I have the screenshots.” Especially if this ‘guy’ means nothing to you, and the main interest of the friend is just to garner shock or drama just for the fun of it, or for more attention. Essentially reducing themselves to no better than a YouTube Creator with clickbait titles/thumbnails to draw attention.

So, you have yourself a really gossip-y friend who finds any excuse to put others down in your eyes, who is super ambitious, and lightly gloats about any successes or good days they have. You’ve witnessed red flags, but is there anything you can do here? Do you need to do anything here? Both inexperience and indecision will more than likely lead to nothing being done, that, or your judgement over the situation will deem that it’s “just not that big of a deal”.

The problem is, is that gossip is usually something that the source of the gossip, the subject, would usually prefer that the information remained in their close circle. This person, or people, would be blissfully unaware they were being talked about to such an extent. When this information, however, not only has someone being gossiped about in a damaging manner but is also a result of a company that has their employees swear not to share this information, it becomes a lot more concerning. Of course, at first, this information can be entertaining; scandal is one of the bestsellers, but at what part is it your responsibility to either halt your friend’s unethical behaviour? Is it your place? Do you have the know-how to identify the issues before or as they arise, or do you have the knowledge to stop the behaviour when it reaches dangerous levels? Or, will you have to just sweep up the ashes of a fire that could’ve been prevented?

You have the unfortunate dilemma of a friend of yours, doing something wrong, in an unappealing mindset, and is quite emotionally fragile as well. Leaving it to simmer down may have the desired result, but could also have the complete opposite; almost showing that behaviour acceptance.
You have maybe spoken to this friend about their behaviour, and they’ve either become apologetic (yet continue the behaviour) or become strongly defensive, or both. You let it simmer time and time over, hoping each time that they give you an “it’s just a bad day” or “family issues are getting to me” or “work is really fucking me over”, to a point where one of you has to say something. At first, it’s caring, you love this friend, and you want them to get better on their own; a gentle little handhold or a gentle little shove should get them in the correct direction. It happens again, and you realise that it’s not the best approach, so you try to be a bit more stern and it seems to work. They appear to be self-reflecting a lot more and – ah… shit… They’re back to their old ways immediately.

It takes not you, but someone else, a new friend who is under less influence of your friend, to come out and put their foot down. But as said before, it’s too late. Due to it not being you, the best friend, and someone that this friend would now see as an interloper; it has been interpreted as an insult. The fire has been put out, but there’s been a lot of unseen damage.
This person is now no longer talking to you, only talking to you if they feel like they have to, and gives of a reluctant vibe or tone in every instance of conversation. No verbal or text conversation ends well, most don’t even end “okay”.

It’s safe to say that despite your efforts, you acted too late; the damage has been done.
Despite your effort to quench the fire when you saw it, it had already reached terminal velocity, or whatever you’d call that in forest fire terms. You saved the surrounding space with the help of your friends, but it cost you a few burns, maybe a few bad ones, and even some property damage. It’ll scar, and you’ll have to replace what you lost, but the damage to what was already done is irreparable.
That’s where I’m currently at just now.
Picking up the pieces, looking around for things that may not be too damaged, and currently taking care of myself and making sure others are alright.

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In human relationships, intervening early can prevent a lot of harm. If gossip becomes damaging or breaches confidences, it’s crucial to address it. It may be uncomfortable, but letting it simmer can lead to worse outcomes.

This scenario can strain your friendship, leaving you to pick up the pieces and deal with the aftermath. The lesson here is to recognize and act on the signs early. Addressing issues in a timely manner, even if uncomfortable, can prevent larger problems later on.

There will ALWAYS be times when acting early is the wrong thing, but at this point; you can say you tried at least.

It’s too late for me to use this now, for my situation, but here is some good advice I found on this subject while writing this piece.

Communicate Early and Honestly: Address concerns as soon as they arise. Honest communication can prevent misunderstandings and escalation.
Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries to prevent negative behaviour from affecting your relationship.
Seek Support: If you’re unsure how to handle the situation, seek advice from trusted friends or professionals.
Focus on Solutions: Instead of just pointing out concerns, work with your friend to find constructive solutions.
Be Compassionate: Understand that your friend may be going through their struggles. Approach the situation with empathy.

However, if none of this is being heeded, or working in your favour; remember to prioritise your mental health. Accept your limits not only on how much you can control the situation, but how much you can control yourself and your general “bullshit meter” limit of just how much you can take.

In Conclusion

Managing difficult relationships requires recognizing and responding to early warning signs. Setting boundaries, seeking support and focusing on solutions are key strategies. When these efforts don’t work, it’s important to protect your mental health. It may be necessary to distance yourself or end the relationship if boundaries are crossed or your friend is unresponsive. Relationships that support and uplift you are what you deserve. By taking proactive steps and prioritizing your mental health, you can manage relationship issues effectively and prevent long-term harm.

Here are some websites I used (and am currently using):
https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
https://verywellmindset.com/how-to-set-boundaries-with-toxic-friends/
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-set-boundaries-with-friends-7503205
https://mentalhealthhotline.org/boundaries-prioritizing-your-wellness/
https://health.ucdavis.edu/blog/cultivating-health/how-to-set-boundaries-and-why-it-matters-for-your-mental-health/2024/03
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/setting-boundaries/
https://serenehealth.com/why-creating-boundaries-in-friendships-is-essential-for-your-mental-health/

Basically… Don’t Ignore Your Friend Being A Dick.