Not in the sense of Jessie J’s song “Who’s Laughin’ Now”, which is a great song mind you and I love Jessie J, but more in the sense of Todd Howard’s little lobotomised gremlin tone.
“Who’s laughing now? …. Yes, I was in the chess club.”
Throughout the whole time, there have been big steps, small steps, back-steps and completely falling off; I am still struggling with mental health, we were all aware this was going to be the case. However, am I worse off? No.
I’m out here, on my own, struggling like everyone else, and leaving my nest was the best thing for me. I purchased my flat in 2022 (I believe, I forgot already) and slowly moved into it via sneaking huge shopping bags filled to the brim with my “stuff” to my flat over the course of about 5 months. Leaving my parents a note with full intent to completely cut them out of my life, and this book, with every single thing highlighted in there which I felt pertains to their behaviour. To this point, I have no idea if they even read it, nor do I want to ask, nor would they like to remember just how aggressively I tore away from the family.
Have I managed to achieve my goal of completely isolating myself from my family after 3 years? No.
I’ve got too much of a guilty conscience and always reply to them (eventually) when they text me. I spend days and nights just wishing for them to leave me alone, but all I can do is continue replying. Even with my grandmother, who’s recently had a lump taken out of her breast, had her whole breast removed then went through radiotherapy; I just wish they’d leave me alone. I love them; otherwise I genuinely wouldn’t reply, but even talking or thinking about them brings me back to a dark place I’d rather not return to.
Thinking back to what my counsellor said years before I purchased my flat, I do love them, but my love for them doesn’t matter when they won’t inspire the change they need to love me back the way I need it.
They’re not ready to change or don’t want to, and that’s not an environment I can survive in.
I was told by who, I thought, was a good friend of mine that if I moved out, I’d only become more miserable and wish that I hadn’t. I’d end up moving back in with my parents, and that in itself would be an awkward shambles which could’ve been avoided by me just not moving out. Am I still miserable? Technically, no.
I’m not miserable in the way I was before: I’m no longer suppressed by the life my parents had me lead. Stuck in a single room, with little space, even “littler” privacy, and even “littler” respect from both my parents and my little sister. I’m no longer feeling trapped and controlled, no longer comfortably idling through being emotionally neglected and mentally abused.
I am, however, more lonely in a way that I predict that I would’ve found out at some point if I would’ve stayed. Being alone has heightened all of my experiences and put it on the fast track. I’ve not had to experience debt, but the feeling of only having 1k in the bank is still enough to make my butt clench. I’ve had to deal with remortgaging, and god was that horrible. Likewise, I’ve witnessed my electricity bill go up and felt the sting of having to replenish my electricity more often through the winter.
Through this, it also opened up everything emotional about me. I feel terminally numb to emotion, yet at other times feel it so deeply. Regardless of whether I surround myself with friends, or I’m at a stage in life where I’m completely alone, I feel the same; empty and lonely. The issue is that I have no idea how to fix this as I’ve done what “normal” people do when lonely and gather friends, but it doesn’t seem to work for me, and it’s not like these are not meaningful friendships. These friendships fill me to the brim and I completely forget about everything- until they’re gone, out of sight or out of the voice call, the curtains drop and the loneliness drops in again.
My self-loathing is also getting the better of me again, hurting others as I put myself down when they genuinely care for me, and I’m still not able to take any compliments. I don’t know what the best approach to that is either; I have people who say that I’m “genuinely one of the nicest people they’ve ever met”, people who say “you are loved by us not because of what you can provide us but because you exist.” and my brain will immediately hear that and cast counter spell with “No.”. Something in my very being just can’t accept it, and the thing is that it doesn’t hurt me at all to say “no”; I just laugh, smile, shake my head like these people are ridiculous and get on with whatever I’m doing.
Also correlating with a lack of self-worth is my inability to get doctor’s appointments. I could make a lovely collage from friends currently and friends of the past telling me I need to see a doctor, and honestly, I’ve only just started going. Just for migraines at the moment, but it’s a step in the correct direction. I still need to get an official autism diagnosis, ADHD diagnosis, find out what’s irritating my ears, see if they’ll give me depression medication after being told I’d get medication for it in 2018, see if I need anxiety meds, figure out what’s wrong with my stomach… There’s a big list, and for some reason, the ones I’m most hesitant about are the ones that benefit me the most.
I promise I’ll get there.
If I’m just doing what I’m supposed to be doing, I’m not doing anything special, I’m just doing what needs to be done. There needn’t be praise for being less than exceptional. I’m being a standard, good-mannered person who treats people with respect, that shouldn’t be some achievement people are proud of, that should be just the baseline and what’s expected from everyone.
Oh, and for that one friend who told me that I’d be miserable if I moved out, I notice you’re not streaming any more, or creating your mental health podcasts, or writing anything on your website. I hope things are going well in your new flat after I forked out a lot of money to help you move, and that shit hasn’t hit the fan. I’ve started streaming again, and I’m sure you know this, as I raided someone who has ties back to you. I’ve not exactly got my motivation back, but I’ve certainly got the means to return to form; charity streams, constant streams… It’s still all just an idea, but I’ve got people worth streaming for and a community of people that don’t slander me behind my back.
I’m still creating Keymailer content, uploading more regularly to Youtube, editing content for another streamer and taking a sliver more pride in my work.
And I gotta ask one thing, are you miserable too?
Also, I'm helping this little baby. -> https://www.twitch.tv/lannpaige
jinxlgamez
Leighann Paige
Doubtful Player 